Category: television

CSI: Long Road Home

I think the writers for this season had a few daddy issues going on.

I’m very tired. Gene Simmons was in this episode.

EDIT the next day: A lot of episodes have been using the same motifs. The father trying to avenge the daughter. The father buying the prostitute daughter’s time. It’s like they have a template they kept forgetting to switch details on. Sort of like when I’m working on something it’s like ‘aw shit, I just made five water mages in a row’. But with prostitution and revenge killing.

CSI: Killer Moves

It’s a serial killer episode!

Oh god no.

It’s a chess-themed serial killer episode. For the Dante’s Inferno Killer, my friend joked about the Las Vegas Cirque de Soleil stealing it from a drunken Brass (well, giving him a check every month he can’t figure out) to make it their next show.

So like, Chess: The Musical but with serial killing, I guess.

In case you’re curious, nothing is more crime show than telling you that incredibly non-intense thing is Super Intense. In this case, chess. And ‘You must figure out the clues yourself! Believe in yourself, Greg!’

CSIs watching this on stage: “This seems familiar.”

Midsomer Murders: Murder by Magic

Not enjoying the commercial I quickly skipped through that was just them chanting the name Jack Reacher as some sort of psychic attack.

Okay so this episode is about rural British people being godless pagans. Let’s do this.

Stage magic offends God, but probably for different reasons than you’re thinking. I mean, in general. I don’t know why in the show.

Luke? Gideon? Hannah? This is very biblical. BUT YET the pub is called THE GREEN MAN.

That’s symbolism, guys.

15 minutes in, only one death so far. But the night is young! Fortunately the cult activities just started. I have no idea if this is sensitive or not to actual British pagans on account of that Island being very weird.

Second show of the night that I would describe as having an ‘Oedipal hellscape’. That’s fun! Really! Oh god.

“This made you mad, of course”
“Of course it did. But that doesn’t mean I killed them”
– Hymn of the murder show

32 minutes in: SECOND DEATH! SECOND DEATH! And a jogger to discover it. Classic. This is why I don’t jog, there’s just way too many corpses out there to be found. Especially ritualistic killings.

55 minutes in: THIRD BODY THIRD BODY. The Oedipal Hellscape continues.

1:24 minutes in: Oh my god it’s the SAME Oedipal Hellscape.

Murderer type: Not Murder Wizard, but Murder MAGICIAN.

That was delightful.

Maigret: Maigret Sets A Trap

Oh god a serial killer episode. But then again, this is my first Maigret serial killer. I look forward to finding out how the French are all degenerates in this one.

I watch with subtitles on so I wish to share that the opening music was, according to them, ‘swanky’.

Music later on: “moves into nuanced, intriguing music”

Summarized interaction:

Maigret: You seem very upset. Do you want to go the bar?
Lady Cop: Oh no I don’t drink. Gimme a cigarette.

17 minutes in: Oh my god, the killer might be English! I hope his accent is perfect Parisian.

21 minutes in: Nevermind.

29 minutes in: My son couldn’t be a killer, look at this childhood photo *proceeds to show picture of absolutely evil looking child*

31 minutes in: okay it appears today’s French degeneracy is mouth-kissing your son.

41 minutes in: Cigs cigs cigs. I miss smoking and that is the dumbest possible emotion to have. Also an Oedipal hellscape in progress.

45 minutes in: Subtle, intense, orchestral music, say the subtitles.

This was MUCH better than a CSI serial killer episode. Nice. Nice.

CSI: Boston Brakes

Today’s episode of CSI is about gubbermint conspiracies and once again reminds me that as fun as CSI is to watch, it’s absolutely a stupid person’s idea of a clever mystery show.

So everyone is ACTING and they actually uttered the name Millander. Absolutely fucking cursed. Like screaming MacBeth in a theatre after wishing everyone good luck.

So Previously On CSI they’ve gotten so busy layering on the mysteries that the episodes run out of time and they just sort of standing around explaining the mystery summary style, then the episode ended. I thought they were gonna do it again this time but they’re actually using emotions in their voices.

This episode’s killer is a Slightly Inept Murder Wizard.

Oh neat though, John de Lancie is in this. James Callis is too and I’m amazed how one man can always look one second away from body-wracking sobs.

This episode is still stupid.

Spider-Man The Animated Series: Secret Wars, Chapter 1: Arrival

Secret Wars, Chapter 1: Arrival

Madame Webb brings Spider-Man to meet her master, The Beyonder, who is preparing to put Spider-Man to the ultimate test. He sends Dr. Octopus, Dr. Doom, Smythe, Red Skull, and the Lizard off to destroy a peaceful planet and leaves Spider-Man to save it with his own selective team.

New storyline! Spider-Man in SPACE. I am interested that they went with ‘super assholes’ for Ben Grimm and Johnny Storm’s personality templates (Peter was like ‘I’ll just take the entire fantastic four for my team’), but there you go.

But who amongst us hasn’t needed a brief vacation of cosmic war between good and evil to recover from our wife evaporating in front of us?

It occurs to me that… maybe the Fantastic Four had a cartoon going on at this time? I know Iron Man did. So did Storm.

Good moments with the Lizard with Doc Connors’ mind in this. I like a thoughtful lizard man.

Father Brown: The Crimson Feather

This show was on thin ice when they pulled ‘actually she was craaaaazy all along and didn’t know it’ with the episode based on the Nutshell Murders lady right before.

Anyway, it goes like this: They set up a mystery and then went ‘oh fuck it, it was a delusional lesbian trope what did it. No actual hints given except a sore hand’

The end!

F- for forgetting how to write a mystery.